Some Clarity Would Be Nice

Thank you to Arielle for the mixes over the years. I have been slacking in this department, but I took some time and created a brief collection that expresses me very well...here are my tunes! Sorry this is very lengthy, but it has to be. At least check out the great lyrics on each song if you don't read the whole post. :)

1. Dog Days are Over (Florence and the Machine) - This song is emotionally charged, which really describes my recent self. Great lyric: Happiness hit her like a bullet.
2. I'm Moving On (Rascal Flatts) - This song holds holds all the words that I needed to believe that everyone was saying to me. Its a sing that really shows the truth of having to do what is right for you, even if it sucks to admit you need to. Great lyric: I've loved like I should, but lived like a shouldn't.
3. When the Tears Fall (Tim Hughes) - I had many a night where I was bawling asking "why?" with seemingly no answer. I was not so good at the praising part, but I truly grasp this song. Great lyric: When my heart aches, Lord, are you there?
4. The Warrior (Scandal) - No mix is complete without an 80's hair glam song. I am totally empowered by this song...no real reason. Great lyric: Shooting down the walls of heartache BANG! BANG! I am the Warrior!
5. Everything is Everything (Lauryn Hill) - This song in the musical equivalent to my recent catch phrase "it is what it is." Plus, Hill has a beautiful voice. Great lyric: Everything is everything.
6. The Long Way Around (Dixie Chicks) - There is not really a better way to explain this song. Just listen to the words. You'll get it. Great lyric: Guess I could have made it easier on myself.
7. Filled with Your Glory (Westmont Chapel Band) - This song brought me back to my roots. To Arielle, Helen, Hayley, Rusti, Cory, Mary...to the place where my faith really started to take shape. It also taught me about community. That among the family that isn't blood, but bond, I can recover from this and my faith can be stronger. Great lyric: As the fire is raging on, your word becomes my song.
8. Drumming Song (Florence and the Machine) - It invokes that sense of something that you can't escape thinking about. I have spent a ton of time trying to get away from my thoughts, but unfortunately the thoughts don't stop. The truth is my fears and hurts and joys circle my head with extreme ferver and at night sometimes it feels just like a drumming. Great lyric: There's a drumming noise inside my head that throws me to the ground.
9. Home (Michael Buble') - Home is the concept that I long for so much... The tone of this song just displays that yearning for home. Great lyric: May be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone.
10. Come Close (Ginny Owens) - This song sounds like a prayer and kinda like a stream of consciousness to God. I love the rawness of it Great lyric: My heart will not let go, until you come close.
11. Need You To Love Me (BarlowGirl) - This whole process has left my re-evaluating everything, and praying to God for the basics. That my faith be restored and that I understand His love. Great lyric: Your love makes me see who I really am.
12. The Heart of the Matter (India.Arie) - I heard this song while rediscovering India.Arie...the song had me in tears (granted, not very hard) within the first verse, and kept me there for the entire song. I'm finally in this place. Great lyrics: I've been learning to live without you, But I miss you baby. (and) I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered.
13. Don't Stop Believin' (Journey) - This song needs no explanation. Great lyric: Hold on to that feelin'!
14. If You Say Go (Westmont Chapel Band) - I have sung this song a thousand times, both in times of frustration and in times of celebration. Its really a comfort song to me. I have been asked a lot if I could do what is right, even if its the hard choice. And I can. Thank for my friends who "go" along with me. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I go kicking and screaming. my faith has survived this, pressed but not crushed. Great lyric: If you call us to the fire, we will not withdraw our hand.
15. New Soul (Yael Naim) - This quirky song fits how I am feeling in my best of times. Kind of that fall down and being able to laugh way. Great lyric: Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.
16. A Beautiful Day (India.Arie) - India is awesome at taking biblical truths and setting it to music. This song embodies the scripture that says "His mercies are new every morning." Great lyric: Life is a challenge, not a competition.
17. Faithful To Me (Jennifer Knapp) - I have often sung this prayer. At times of guilt, regret, reconciliation, and redemption. Its a great closure to my mix, because it leaves things open...the process is not over and I am far from figuring everything out. But I am recognizing faith during this time. Great lyric: I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly, for a faith to be faithful to me.

El fin! Hope you enjoy. I recommend listening to these tunes...let me know if you need help finding any recordings! Oh and just a heads up, this took me a long time to complete, like over a week. I'd be curious to know what songs would be rocking on your current events mix.

Loves!

something is over...

okay i was trying to be cute and title all my blogs posts with something or some thing in the title...its getting lame, so i am going to stop.

so! much has happened since my last post. well, actually not really...just lots of thought, i suppose. where to begin?

first off, i saw ruthie, charlie and james this weekend. such a breath of fresh air. though mike, jess and i have awesome community here, there is something about having more family in town. its the effortlessness, the ease that make each moment precious with laughter and authenticity. totally blessed just getting to spend some time with them.

also, i am working on a current events mix of music to share with you guys. i found like 6 cd's that arielle had made me and have been crying, laughing and singing along to them all week. more of that to come later. the "set list" will be published in true apostle mix making fashion.

and finally, i got to talk to my dear friend cory tonight. it was great. our lives are so different now and still we can talk with ease and share truth. its precious. i am lucky to have friends like that...who know my core, even if my world looks different now. we talked and used words like careers and mistakes and longing. felt like we were adults or something. craziness!

anyway. my brain is kinda jumbled....too many thoughts for one post. i will try to digest them a little and post some more on the topic. i realize that i write this blog for me, but i like to keep your guys updated. today was good. and tomorrow holds promise. thanks for trucking along on this journey with me.

something from the big screen

just watched "eat pray love"

hm.

while i really enjoyed it, maybe not the best thing to watch during this time in my life. don't get me wrong, it was a great movie. i just felt like every line delivered was completely relevant to things i am feeling. so good job hollywood. that is a the purpose of movies: to relate the feeling of writers/directors/characters to the wide expanse that is the audience. success to hollywood! cheers. now please get me a tissue.

i'm not going to reveal the entire movie, but i am going to share some lines/ideas/scenes from the movie. brace yourself.

at one point the main character is lying in bed with her partner and he says "listen we stay together because while we fight, and we don't have sex, and life is hard, at least we have each other. being miseable together is better than being apart" rip my heart out and serve it across the table please. i know that statement. i held on to it so dearly for a while. and a huge part of me yearns for it again. loneliness is hard and who wants to choose it? but if i truly love someone how can i ever expect to demand them to live miserably?

also, the main character gets screamed at from across the table that she is a quitter. so she blames him, and he doesn't hear it, so she blames herself. i know that too. i know that depth that you see the person you love so much unable or unwilling (both sometimes) to see the incredible impossibility of relationship. so you say and believe yes, it's my fault. yes i am the quitter. i can't make this work. and that hurts so horribly.

finally i will share a single line that i am trying so hard to believe. "it won't last forever; nothing does." God, please let this line be true.

and here is something i am learning, independant of movies, books, or any outside influence: once you think you have cried the last cries, that the sobs have stopped, that the hurt has dulled....you are probably not even half way there. i don't say this cynically. i say it with hope. i say it for this reason: just because last week i felt i could handle life and heartbreak and this week i can't and i literally can't hold it together for the length of a movie doesn't mean i've experienced backsliding. it means i'm experiencing it. i'm not numb or drowning...i am moving forward.

some things do change.

i'm struggling for words...hold the jokes please. i can't really explain, but i think my heart is healing a little bit. still scared, but maybe less heartbroken. someone asked about things on the d front, and i said (and truly believed it when i said it) i won't hurt like this forever.

i finally believed it. whoa, talk about serious change.

something's go by too fast, some don't

this week has blown by like a mad tornado in kansas. however, the circumstances that have made this week hard are still here.

i still am looking for housing. i am still dealing with heartbreak. i am still mouthbreathing and sneezing because of the allergies that have refused to subside.

jess has literally used all her free time doing leg work for my apartment search, but to no avail. i have a hard time seeing positives in the housing situation. i'm sad i have to find a place to live....by myself. i'm sad that i am 25 and i still don't make very much money (though its on the up swing) and can't afford very many places. i love my new job, but the fact that i am staying in fort collins does remind me that things with daniel went horribly wrong...and that hurts.

i am heartbroken still. its no wonder, i haven't really dealt with the heartbreak side of things. its been go go go since i cut things off... and with purpose. i am scared to deal with these issues. i'm sad i need to at all. i'm a very introspective person, but i am so scared to look inside myself right now. and i miss daniel so much. yes, i'm angry at the situation, but it doesn't change the fact that i lost one of my good friend, the man i thought i was going to marry, and the hope of our future in the course of events. i miss our jokes, our language, our plans.

and seriously colorado? when did you decide to be all pollen ridden?!?!? i find myself holding my breath, because i simply forget that my nose barely works....except for sneezing.

i'm in such a transitional place right now its hard to see what real and imagined. things i convince myself of and what is actually right in front of me. please pray for me. i honestly don't know whats in the wings for me and i am terrified to find out. i love you all and appreciate your support in this.

some things about me...

1. i love the rain.
2. its been raining off and on here for a few weeks and it reminds me of my best and hardest times.
3. though he doesn't live with me, i have a dog who will lick the tears off my face and make me laugh so hard i go into silent mode...within the same hour, mind you.
4. someone took a chance on me last week. that feels amazing.
5. i love my new job and what its doing to my closet. yes please to the black and hot pink overhaul.
6. i need new pads for derby. i play hard and fall harder.
7. my favorite thing about God (even at my hardest times) is His understanding of comic relief and the necessity of it.
8. my favorite comic is sarge apostle.
9. i always underestimate the strength of my own heart.
10. i'm blessed with people to remind of that strength and to spur me on.