something from the big screen

just watched "eat pray love"

hm.

while i really enjoyed it, maybe not the best thing to watch during this time in my life. don't get me wrong, it was a great movie. i just felt like every line delivered was completely relevant to things i am feeling. so good job hollywood. that is a the purpose of movies: to relate the feeling of writers/directors/characters to the wide expanse that is the audience. success to hollywood! cheers. now please get me a tissue.

i'm not going to reveal the entire movie, but i am going to share some lines/ideas/scenes from the movie. brace yourself.

at one point the main character is lying in bed with her partner and he says "listen we stay together because while we fight, and we don't have sex, and life is hard, at least we have each other. being miseable together is better than being apart" rip my heart out and serve it across the table please. i know that statement. i held on to it so dearly for a while. and a huge part of me yearns for it again. loneliness is hard and who wants to choose it? but if i truly love someone how can i ever expect to demand them to live miserably?

also, the main character gets screamed at from across the table that she is a quitter. so she blames him, and he doesn't hear it, so she blames herself. i know that too. i know that depth that you see the person you love so much unable or unwilling (both sometimes) to see the incredible impossibility of relationship. so you say and believe yes, it's my fault. yes i am the quitter. i can't make this work. and that hurts so horribly.

finally i will share a single line that i am trying so hard to believe. "it won't last forever; nothing does." God, please let this line be true.

and here is something i am learning, independant of movies, books, or any outside influence: once you think you have cried the last cries, that the sobs have stopped, that the hurt has dulled....you are probably not even half way there. i don't say this cynically. i say it with hope. i say it for this reason: just because last week i felt i could handle life and heartbreak and this week i can't and i literally can't hold it together for the length of a movie doesn't mean i've experienced backsliding. it means i'm experiencing it. i'm not numb or drowning...i am moving forward.